First thing first (and this above all): I am sober today, just for today. I have never said once, since I came into recovery, that “I am never going to drink again for the rest of my life”. That’s just setting myself up for a big fall. But I can handle the thought of not drinking today, asking my higher power to help me get through today, and doing whatever it takes to earn my daily reprieve from my disease. Living in the Now is just such an easier way to live.

It’s not that I don’t think about tomorrow, or make plans for next week, or look forward to next month (next month especially), but I don’t live there. I live in the present. I have the same worries and fears of the unknown as any other man or woman – but they are lessened today by my use of some spiritual tools called the 12 Steps. And because I do, I’ll probably make it through another day.

Selfish, self-centred and self-seeking. Not exactly how I wanted to be known. And yet my drinking took me there too. Unhappy, insecure, blaming others, not accepting responsibility – I wasn’t exactly the most joyful person to be around. And so I actually sought out the loneliness and the isolation, so that I didn’t have to put up with other people’s judgement. And I didn’t like being there either – I didn’t like myself.

What a relief when I found out that I didn’t have to live that way anymore. When I found a safe and secure place in the rooms of AA, where I could talk about myself, my doubts and fears, my sadness and my joy, my insanity and my peace… in short, my emotions and how I dealt with them before by numbing them with alcohol, and how I now dealt with them in sobriety… I knew I was in the right place.

And then I discovered what it meant to be selfless  – “to give away what I was freely given” – to give without thought of expectation, without thought of being paid back, without thought of being patted on the back – no strings attached! Here was real power – the power of anonymous giving, and somehow it helped me stay sober, and brought about many of the Promises.

That’s another of the contradictions of AA – the first was that in order to win the war against my disease, I had to surrender to it totally. And in order to keep my sobriety, I had to give it away. In order to be selfless, I had to be selfish about my program and put it first. Because if I wasn’t sober, I couldn’t be of much help to anyone, in or out of the rooms.

Somehow, that one day at a time has turned into seven years – seven years this week since my last drink. What a miserable, desperate sot I was then.

And since then? Most of the Promises have come true. I never realized that life could be like this. I’m a grandfather. I’m in a healthy relationship, head over heels in love and about to get married in another month. I owe money to no one. I have my health. I’m emotionally sober most of the time. I stopped smoking two years ago. And I’m sober one more day. Does life get any better?

In the 12 & 12, on the very first page of Step One, I am told the purpose of AA:

But upon entering A.A. we soon take quite another view of this absolute humiliation. We perceive that only through utter defeat are we able to take our first steps toward liberation and strength. Our admissions of personal powerlessness finally turn out to be firm bedrock upon which happy and purposeful lives may be built.

I took that as a Promise too, that I would have a happy and purposeful life again. And I do.

My sponsor says that 5 things, taken together, will practically guarantee that I will stay sober:
1. Don’t drink. (check… and no near-beer either…)
2. Go to Meetings. (check… still about five a week in a good week)
3. Get a Sponsor. (check… still the same guy)
4. Do the Steps, don’t just study them. (check – they are a part of me now, for the most part)
5. Do service. (check – I have a sponsee, I have done the gamut of service for both my home groups, and at the District and Intergroup levels, and I always put away the chairs…)

All that being said, I still don’t take it for granted. I still see too many people relapse, but almost invariably it’s because they forget about that second one and drift away from their meetings. Without meetings, the rest of it seems to drop away too. I need to continue to do them all.

The love of my life gave me a seven-year medallion this week, and on it she put the words “To Thine Own Self Be True”. I didn’t realize that it was from Hamlet, a father’s advice to his son. I’m sure that my dad would have said the same to me, along with a suggestion or two about not drinking. I wish that he had met my partner, and my daughters and my granddaughter. What a wonderful sentiment in those words:

Polonius’ advice to his son Laertes in “Hamlet”

Neither a borrower, nor a lender be;
For loan oft loses both itself and friend,
And borrowing dulls the edge of husbandry.

This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.
Farewell; my blessing season this in thee!

“It must follow, as the night the day”…. if I am true to myself, then I cannot be false to others. In my mind, that’s a much better way to live and let live. I’m really glad to be sober one more day.

Harry

Remember that annoying video game from the seventies? Space Invaders? Fricking little aliens would advance down the screen, and while you’re going back and forth across the screen, banging on the space bar to shoot them out of the sky, they actually SPEED UP the more of them you shoot. And if you’re lucky enough to wipe them all out, they REAPPEAR and keep their inexorable march into your personal space. Until they finally blow you up.

While I was drinking, I didn’t have a lot of respect for the personal space of others. What is it anyway about a drunk who always has to stand too close to you, alcohol coming out of his pores, and all you want to do is push him or her away? Sometimes it’s a cultural thing, sometimes it’s just alcohol talking, but it’s not easy to deal with. And neither was I. But I sure had my walls up – don’t tell me how to drink. Don’t tell me what to do. And I’m not going to let you get too close to me because I might get hurt again. I’ll push you away before you leave me.

When I attended a workshop about codependency some years ago, and the talk turned to resentments, I was told why I built those walls. Because I would feel the pain (from betrayal, criticism, belittling, you name it) the first time, and then re-feel it in my mind, and nurse what may have been a joke to someone else into an Act of War! And I would put up those emotional and sometimes physical walls because nobody was ever going to hurt me that way again. And I drank to numb the feelings that sometimes seeped through those cracks.

When I surrendered to my disease and stopped drinking, I worked hard to tear those walls down, to examine those feelings, and to deal with them, some for the very first time. Trouble was, when the walls came tumbling down, I had no healthy boundaries to replace them with. And I almost drank again. I actually picked up another white chip when I was about 18 months sober, not because I had a drink again, but because I needed to surrender to the fact that I didn’t KNOW how to say NO when someone made unreasonable  demands of me, or invaded my space. And in the end, when I was betrayed anyway, I had the strength to say “no more” and walk away.

I went over the line recently, invaded someone else’s personal space, and justified it in my mind as okay because nobody can tell me who or who not to be friends with. And while my motives may have been good, my perspective was not. My life is an open book these days. I have no secret friends because secrets will always betray me.

But I need to respect the friendships of others. I need to respect their boundaries. and I needed to admit my error promptly:

This thought brings us to Step Ten, which suggests we continue to take personal inventory and continue to set right any new mistakes as we go along.  We vigorously commenced this way of living as we cleaned up the past. We have entered the world of the Spirit.  Our next function is to grow in understanding and effectiveness. This is not an overnight matter.  It should continue for our lifetime.  Continue to watch for selfishness, dishonesty, resentment, and fear.  When these crop up, we ask God at once to remove them.  We discuss them with someone immediately and make amends quickly if we have harmed anyone.  Then we resolutely turn our thoughts to someone we can help.  Love and tolerance of others is our code. Big Book, Page 84

I had a really shitty day yesterday, but at least I apologized promptly.

Today I get to get over myself. And I get to remember that others have healthy personal boundaries which aren’t walls. And I get to remember that I can ask to have my selfishness, resentment and fear removed, and have faith that they will be removed. And I get to remember to say NO when it is important for me to say no.

ZAP! Begone Space Invaders!

Okay, ya have to admit that the first time you ever heard somebody say the 11th step out loud and used the words (by mistake, not purposefully) ”Prayer and Medication” instead of Prayer and Meditation”, that it was pretty frakking funny. At least it was for me -  I was practically rolling on the floor laughing out loud. As if nobody had ever uttered those words before…

Just got back from a meditation meeting – wasn’t sure if it was really AA or not, but at least it was centred on the 11th step. And I was reminded one more time of the power of silence. I’ll probably go back, as meditation is good medication for someone like me whose natural state is anything but calm and relaxed.

Isn’t it funny though, that as soon as I got home I received a message from someone that they are on the “marijuana maintenance program”. They don’t drink alcohol, but use marijuana for “pain management”, and wanted to know what I thought about that.

Know what? I don’t. I don’t think about it. I don’t judge others. But for anyone who thinks that I SHOULD care, then maybe they do have a problem. For me, I never even tried marijuana, let alone any of the harder drugs, but this I do know – the quality of someone’s sobriety who uses a mood-altering substance in an addictive manner can’t be that great.

If I need a medication prescribed by my doctor, I will take it. What the prescription runs out, or I no longer need it, I stop taking the medication. I realize that I am blessed not to suffer from chronic pain or depression and thus don’t need any regular medication, but as long as a competent health professional is possessed of all the facts and has prescribed a medication to even that out, then I wouldn’t worry about the quality of my sobriety. Our health is too important.

Now about health: A body badly burned by alcohol does not often recover overnight nor do twisted thinking and depression vanish in a twinkling.  We are convinced that a spiritual mode of living is a most powerful health restorative.  We, who have recovered from serious drinking, are miracles of mental health.  But we have seen remarkable transformations in our bodies.  Hardly one of our crowd now shows any dissipation. 

But this does not mean that we disregard human health measures.  God has abundantly supplied this world with fine doctors, psychologists, and practitioners of various kinds.  Do not hesitated to take your health problems to such persons.  Most of them give freely of themselves, that their fellows may enjoy sound minds and bodies.  Try to remember that though God has wrought miracles among us, we should never belittle a good doctor or psychiatrist.  Their services are often indispensable in treating a newcomer and in following his case afterward. Big Book Page 133

So there you have it – we must often seek outside help in addition to our AA program, from qualified medical professionals in the mental and physical health fields. Mind you, we need a good dose of common sense sometimes when even a doctor gets wacky ideas:

One of the many doctors who had the opportunity of reading this book in manuscript form told us that the use of sweets was often helpful, of course depending upon a doctor’s advice.  He thought all alcoholics should constantly have chocolate available for its quick energy value at times of fatigue.  He added that occasionally in the night a vague craving arose which would be satisfied by candy.  Many of us have noticed a tendency to eat sweets and have found this practice beneficial. Big Book Page 134

Now prescribing chocolate to me is probably not a great idea. Considering the damage that I’ve done to my teeth with chocolate, and the addictive way in which I ate chocolate. I suppose chocolate is better than the alternative, but I think I’d better pray for guidance about chocolate. I’m not so sure that now that my obsession for alcohol has been removed that I want to replace it with an obsession for chocolate.    Did I mention the word chocolate?  I may have another problem other than alcohol…

Harry

The Joe and Charlie Sessions were part of what saved my life. No, I never attended them live, although they did visit Ottawa in the old days.

But on my first day sober, when  I asked how often I should go to AA Meetings, and was asked “How often did I drink?”, I asked if there were any weekend meetings, and was told that indeed there were, and that there was one at 9:00 am every Saturday morning in Westboro, Ottawa, and that I should probably go. Which is a long-winded way of saying that being able to come to this particular meeting, and listen to the tapes, and discuss how I was doing in recovery, and discover the Big Book, probably saved my bacon.

Because I needed some new patterns in my life. Not just new habits. Not just to give up old habits. But new patterns – a new design for living. Hey, anything had to be better to do on a Saturday morning than wake up hungover yet one more time. That wasn’t working too well for me.

I needed renewal. And as I’ve moved through stages in recovery, I’ve learned that it’s important to catch my breath, take a look around, and refresh my thinking, renewing at the same time my dedication to my program, and revising my belief in God as I don’t understand him (to quote my sponsor!).

But it’s time for something new. Something different.  So herewith are my ramblings Beyond the Sunset – a journey through the Big Book, through the 12 and 12, through Joe & Charlie, or whatever suits my fancy. Joe & Charlie’s transcripts and MP3s are over at the Westboro Big Book Site.

I’m grateful to be sober for one more day – that hasn’t changed either…

One of the most important things I’ve learned in sobriety is to “stay in the moment”. The power of NOW allows me to stop living in the past, let go of my resentments for things that happened (some of them a LOOONG time ago!), and move on.

But if I don’t understand where I came from, I will have no clue what’s wrong, and no idea where I’m going. As Winnie (the Churchill, not the Pooh) once said about history: “Those that fail to learn from history, are doomed to repeat it.”

Much of the Magic of AA comes out in the stories, and understanding where Bill Wilson came from, what he suffered, and what happened to him is an essential part of understanding how the Big Book of AA was written, as Bill was the primary author. Joe hit the proverbial nail on the head when he pointed out that Bill had a certain way of writing: “…he’ll always tell us what the problem is, then he’ll tell us the solution to that problem, and then he’ll give us a practical program of action to implement the solution that he just described.”

Meeting with Ebby Thatcher and the Oxford Group and Dr. Silkworth all helped Bill understand what the problem was – but that alone didn’t stop him from drinking. Dr. Silkworth told Bill: “He said you can’t safely drink because of your body, you can’t stay sober because of your mind, therefore you’ve become absolutely powerless over alcohol.”

Even after hearing these recordings several times, it took a long time for all of this to sink in for me:

1. the PROBLEM was not alcohol, it was my alcoholism – I had an allergy of the body and an obsession of the mind;
2. the SOLUTION was not just to keep on coming back to meetings, it was to have a spiritual experience (The terms “spiritual experience” and “spiritual awakening” are used many times in this book which, upon careful reading, shows that the personality change sufficient to bring about recovery from alcoholism has manifested itself among us in many different forms. – Appendix II).
3. the PROGRAM OF ACTION was not a menu of things to do, it was the DOING (not just the study of) the Twelve Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous.

When Bill finally was able to stay sober, he starting going in to bars and dragging the drunks off to Oxford Group meetings. You can just imagine the scenes he caused. Dr. Silkworth was the one to suggest to him that he was staying sober because he was trying to help others get sober, but so as not to scare off his intended targets, that perhaps he should:

1. talk to them about the illness of alcoholism,
2. talk to them about the physical allergy, and the obsession of the mind. (the two-fold illness) Show them through your experience how that worked for you and if they will accept that, then maybe you can
3. talk to them about spiritual matters.

So basically, Bill started to tell them “his story” – the history of his journey – what it was like, what happened, and what it’s like now – his Experience, Strength, and Hope. A few drunks got better. And then a few more. And since then, literally millions of alcoholics have gotten better.

Sometimes it’s a case of telling someone too much too soon. Sometimes it’s a matter of telling someone else what to do. It’s why I don’t preach to others. It’s why I don’t tell them what to do. But I still try to share my Experience, Strength and Hope when I am asked, and that helps me stay sober. And that’s no longer just history, that makes it my story too.

Harry

Never stop changing, as Joe & Charlie tell us in their discussion of Step 10 …

Nothing in our universe ever stays “as is”.

Everything in our universe is in a constant state of change.

It’s either growing or it’s dying.

It’s progressing or it’s regressing.

It’s going forward or it’s going back.

If nothing changes, nothing changes.  If I’ve stopped drinking, but nothing else changes, I will drink again.

Jealousy, envy, resentments, anger, fear – any one of those, and sometimes all of them together, can be a trigger for me. I need peace from the squirrels in my brain. I need to focus on the daily maintenance of my spiritual condition:

It is easy to let up on the spiritual program of action and rest on our laurels.  We are headed for trouble if we do, for alcohol is a subtle foe.  We are not cured of alcoholism.  What we really have is a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition. Every day is a day when we must carry the vision of God’s will into all of our activities.  “How can I best serve Thee—Thy will (not mine) be done.” These are thoughts which must go with us constantly.  We can exercise our will power along this line all we wish.  It is the proper use of the will.

Much has already been said about receiving strength, inspiration, and direction from Him who has all knowledge and power.  If we have carefully followed directions, we have begun to sense the flow of His Spirit into us.  To some extent we have become God-conscious.  We have begun to develop this vital sixth sense.  But we must go further and that means more action.   Page 85 of the Big Book

Prayer and meditation were described for me recently as “Prayer is talking to God, and Meditation is listening”. My daily reprieve happens because I have that conversation in my mind with my Higher Power, and I somehow just know that everything is going to be okay.

And that’s a change for me. Conversations with God just didn’t happen for me in the past – I would have thought it totally insane. And somehow, I’ve come to believe that if I don’t have those conversations, that the insanity of my alcoholism will return. 

And speaking of changes, this has now become a more personal account of my journey. The previous entries in this blog were made in conjunction with a group site, but since I don’t speak for the group, it is more appropriate that they now appear here. If you’re reading this, it’s because you’ve tripped over it, or else I’ve met you trudging along the Road to Happy Destiny.

See you at the next interchange!!

Harry

Nobody was listening, for they were all saying, “Open it, Pooh,” “What is it, Pooh?” “I know what it is,” “No, you don’t,” and other helpful remarks of this sort. And of course Pooh was opening it as quickly as ever he could, but without cutting the string, because you never know when a bit of string might be Useful. At last it was undone. AA Milne, Winnie-the-Pooh

Man, I never thought that I would end this volume of the New Day Chronicles with the Pooh Bear. I had visions of edgier posts, just nailing the arguments for sobriety, cutting through all the BS, and letting people know that my worst day sober has been better than my best day drunk. But Pooh is a Smart Bear – I’ve learned a lot from him.

I’m not entirely sure when or if I’ll be back – writing this blog has been very therapeutic for me, but it’s time for me to move on.  I have never kept a journal, and have seen the value of writing things down as they bother me or as I am inspired. If you’ve followed this from the beginning, you will notice that my posts have gotten longer (and possibly a bit more hopeful) as I’ve gone deeper into the Steps and into my recovery.

I went through significant periods in my life where I didn’t think anybody was listening, especially towards the end of my drinking. And just like Pooh in the quote above, some of the remarks just were not all that helpful: “Stop drinking, Harry”, “What are you doing to yourself Harry?”, “I know what the problem is”, “No you don’t”, and other “helpful” remarks of this sort.

And I was opening too, starting to open to the possibility that I had a problem with alcohol, but I couldn’t cut the strings to the past, to the blame game. “I got dumped!” “Of course I’m having another drink – I deserve one! – look how she treated me!” And at the last, it all became unravelled. At last it was undone. I had hit my bottom.

In recovery, they say you can have many more bottoms. I guess I’ve been lucky – for me they’ve been bumps on the road – usually a sign that I’m procrastinating with a step or some action that I need to be taking.

I saw an old friend yesterday – he got sober about six months before I did, and he’s going through changes of his own. One thing he and I fully agree upon: Bill and Dr. Bob’s Program of Action had a Goal: 

We perceive that only through utter defeat are we able to take our first steps toward liberation and strength. Our admissions of personal powerlessness finally turn out to be firm bedrock upon which happy and purposeful lives may be built. Page 21, Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions

From Step One we can see that the bedrock of our recovery is in admitting that we are totally powerless over alcohol – and that our Goal is to be building a “happy and purposeful” life. In basic goal-setting, it is paramount that one writes down one’s goals – an unwritten goal is rarely achievable.

I’m happy – happier than I’ve ever been in my life. And my life keeps bringing me new purpose. I have new “leaps of faith” all the time, bringing me to a closer understanding of myself and the higher power that I still don’t understand but I know understands me.

And I need to go in some new directions in my life. Today, I found courage where courage was lacking. It’s amazing how much fear I had over telling someone that their drinking was unacceptable – funny how big a fear it was and how little courage it actually took. It was frakking brutal, but absolutely necessary – she has our disease. And now, all I can do is stand back and hope – hope that she finds her bottom and gets better, and someday leads a happy and purposeful life again.

Because of AA, I find serenity, courage and wisdom when I least expect it. And I can be grateful that I’m an alcoholic, one who has admitted my allergic disease, because I can now proceed to have that “happy and purposeful” life – one that I would never have known unless things happened exactly as they did. Everything that happened in my past has brought me to this moment – everything.

You know that Christopher Robin understands his Bear when he decides to give him a party for risking his life to save their friend Piglet from the flood. Christopher Robin understood the Power of Gratitude when he got all the animals together to celebrate Winnie the Pooh’s bravery. Christopher Robin didn’t just talk about his gratitude – he showed it by giving Pooh a new pencil case (including, of course that wonderful HB pencil!). Pooh’s reaction to Chrisopher Robin’s maturity was predictable, as was Eeyore’s:

“Oh!” said Pooh.
“Oh, Pooh!” said everybody else except Eeyore.
“Thank-you,” growled Pooh.
But Eeyore was saying to himself, “This writing business. Pencils and what-not. Over-rated, if you ask me. Silly stuff. Nothing in it.”

I guess that from some perspectives, it might seem as though this writing business is silly stuff with nothing in it. But it wasn’t for me. It helped keep me sober when I most needed it.

Later on, when they had all said “Good-bye” and “Thank-you” to Christopher Robin, Pooh and Piglet walked home thoughtfully together in the golden evening, and for a long time they were silent.

 ”Goodbye” and “Thank-you” is a good note to leave this on, for now. See you in the Rooms or beyond the sunset.

Harry

P.S. The New Day Meeting continues as normal – it’s just the blog that stops here, for now.

“Tracks,” said Piglet. “Paw-marks.” He gave a little squeak of excitement.
“Oh, Pooh! Do you think it’s a–a–a Woozle?”
“It may be,” said Pooh. “Sometimes it is, and sometimes it isn’t. You never can tell with paw-marks.” A.A. Milne, Winnie the Pooh

Okay, I’ve got questions! And not just the two that I had when I walked into my first AA Meeting (that’s an Alcoholics Anonymous Meeting, not a Book Study Meeting for AA Milne). I had asked “How does this work?” and was told “I don’t know. Just try not to drink and come back to another meeting”. I had asked “How often should I come?” and was asked in return “How often did you drink?”

Why is it that we leave footprints behind us when we go forward on a new path? How often have I heard “One Step forward, Two Steps back”? Where does the path lead if this is a spiritual journey and not a spiritual destination? Am I walking in circles? And why did my sponsor fall down his stairs and break his ankle a couple of years ago – I thought that he was an expert on the Steps!?

***sigh*** I know, I know – acceptance is the answer to all my questions/problems:

And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation — some fact of my life — unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment.  BB, Pg. 417

I’m not sure about Woozles, but I know I was woozie when I first got sober. And I couldn’t accept much. And I couldn’t handle much drama, although there was plenty to go around.

When Piglet and Pooh took their walk down the path, they were probably watching where they stepped (animals being what they are…), and didn’t have much perspective on where they were going. As they walked around the tree that Christopher Robin was sitting in, they were more and more spooked by all the paw-prints they found – the unexplainable, the mysterious Woozles – that’s what must have left the paw-prints! And the more they walked around the same tree (going in circles, don’t you know), the more paw prints they found! And the more Woozles they thought that they were hunting! And the fear grew – what if Woozles were hostile? And just how many of them were there?

As Walt Kelly’s Pogo once stated (I know, I’m mixing books again): “We Have Met the Enemy And He Is Us!”

But I digress: Piglet had a good idea – avoid the Woozles and do something else – anything else!  This is Piglet’s version of Yesterday, Today & Tomorrow:

“I think,” said Piglet, when he had licked the tip of his nose too, and found that it brought very little comfort, “I think that I have just remembered something. I have just remembered something that I forgot to do yesterday and sha’n't be able to do to-morrow. So I suppose I really ought to go back and do it now.”

Avoidance may just be a common characteristic of alcoholics and bears and piglets. I didn’t want to look at myself in the mirror, much less watch myself slide down that slippery slope towards oblivion. And I certainly avoided the truth – that absolutely no one else was the enemy – I was. Those were my own footprints I was following, and it was a very dark path.

Until one day when someone with a different perspective, who could see the forest for the trees, suggested that I think about what I was doing, and try something different, one day at a time.

“Silly old Bear,” he said, “what were you doing? First you went round the spinney twice by yourself, and then Piglet ran after you and you went round again together, and then you were just going round a fourth time”
“Wait a moment,” said Winnie-the-Pooh, holding up his paw.
He sat down and thought, in the most thoughtful way he could think. Then he fitted his paw into one of the Tracks . . . and then he scratched his nose twice, and stood up.
“Yes,” said Winnie-the-Pooh.
“I see now,” said Winnie-the-Pooh.
“I have been Foolish and Deluded,” said he, “and I am a Bear of No Brain at All.”
“You’re the Best Bear in All the World,” said Christopher Robin soothingly.
“Am I?” said Pooh hopefully. And then he brightened up suddenly.

All I felt when I first got sober was that I was Foolish and Deluded. All my willpower was for naught. I felt stupid, ashamed, weak – a Bear of No Brain indeed.

And then somebody believed in me. And then a whole bunch of somebodies believed in me. And then I came to believe that everything was going to be okay. And no matter what has happened or happens or will happen, I don’t need to drink today.

Somebody told me today that they saw peace and serenity in my eyes, and they wanted that too. I didn’t feel a lot of peace and serenity this afternoon when I was racing to the scene of a seven-car pile-up which included my daughter’s car, but when I could take my heart out of my mouth after I found out that she was going to be okay, I was able to just be me and do what little I could - not be a crazed worried maniac – just me. And I didn’t need to drink or smoke.

And I talked to the right person on the telephone. And felt immediately better – amazing what a calming effect just the few right words can have on a troubled soul.

I may not be the Best Bear in all the world, but it’s progress, right? (said hopefully). Things look suddenly brighter. Happy New Year, everybody.

Harry

You DO know that Winnie-the-Pooh discovered the North Pole, don’t you?

“Pooh’s found the North Pole,” said Christopher Robin. “Isn’t that lovely?”
Pooh looked modestly down.
“Is that it?” said Eeyore.
“Yes,” said Christopher Robin.
“Is that what we were looking for?”
“Yes,” said Pooh.
“Oh!” said Eeyore. “Well, anyhow–it didn’t rain,” he said.
They stuck the pole in the ground, and Christopher Robin tied a message on to it:

NorTH PoLE
DICSovERED By
PooH
PooH FouND IT

I don’t know whether or not you’ve found what you’re looking for in these messages. I don’t know if you’ve found the peace and serenity and grace so freely given by the members of Alcoholics Anonymous. I don’t know if you’ve discovered Courage and Wisdom along the Way as the Steps get done.

But this I do know – that if Pooh can find IT, so can you. My Christmas wish for you is that you get IT, that you find what you’re looking for, and that you find it within. Thank you for your support and your best wishes in this amazing year.

But don’t tell Pooh where the Honey is – otherwise, that sailboat is going to be riding a little low in the water. Oh, what the heck – grow fat along with me – the best is yet to be.

Merry Christmas everyone.

Harry

It’s Time for Tales of Tails, and Tails of Tales.

But to start at the Beginning of a Story is usually the Best Way, so let’s look First at a “Tale of Two Cities”:

Book the First — Recalled to Life — Chapter I – The Period

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair, we had everything before us, we had nothing before us, we were all going direct to Heaven, we were all going direct the other way–in short, the period was so far like the present period, that some of its noisiest authorities insisted on its being received, for good or for evil, in the superlative degree of comparison only.          Charles Dickens “A Tale of Two Cities”

Echoes of John Barleycorn (John Barleycorn must die)! Dickens  nails the contrasts for me – “best of times, worst of times… spring of hope, winter of despair”, as did Jack London in John Barleycorn -  “I am. I was. I am not. I never am. I am never less his friend than when he is with me and when I seem most his friend. He is the king of liars. He is the frankest truthsayer.

Alcohol was my best friend and my worst enemy. It gave me hope and caused me to live in despair. It gave me a sense of ease and comfort that totally destroyed my peace of mind. I was not an alcoholic and then I became one by admitting that I was an alcoholic. And so on.

There aren’t a lot of contradictions in Pooh’s world – he was a pretty simple Bear. And therein lie the tales of Eeyore’s lost and numb tail.

 THE Old Grey Donkey, Eeyore, stood by himself in a thistly corner of the forest, his front feet well apart, his head on one side, and thought about things. Sometimes he thought sadly to himself, “Why?” and sometimes he thought, “Wherefore?” and sometimes he thought, “Inasmuch as which?”–and sometimes he didn’t quite know what he was thinking about…

“And how are you?” said Winnie-the-Pooh.
Eeyore shook his head from side to side. “Not very how,” he said. “I don’t seem to have felt at all how for a long time.”
“Dear, dear,” said Pooh, “I’m sorry about that. Let’s have a look at you.” So Eeyore stood there, gazing sadly at the ground, and Winnie-the-Pooh walked all round him once. “Why, what’s happened to your tail?” he said in surprise.
“What has happened to it?” said Eeyore.
“It isn’t there!”
“Are you sure?”
“Well, either a tail is there or it isn’t there You can’t make a mistake about it. And yours isn’t there!”
“Then what is?”
“Nothing.”

“Let’s have a look,” said Eeyore, and he turned slowly round to the place where his tail had been a little while ago, and then, finding that he couldn’t catch it up, he turned round the other way, until he came back to where he was at first, and then he put his head down and looked between his front legs, and at last he said, with a long, sad sigh, “I believe you’re right”
“Of course I’m right,” said Pooh
“That accounts for a Good Deal,” said Eeyore gloomily. “It explains Everything. No Wonder.”

Oh, dear, that Eeyore sounds an awful lot like me when I was drinking. I didn’t lose my tail (never had one in the first place!), but I did lose a marriage, a home, my self-respect, and very nearly my sanity. And in a very Eeyorish way, I groaned about everything, blamed it all on others, and was reluctant to ask for help.

Pooh, simple and wise Bear that he is, figured out that Owl was using Eeyore’s tail for a bell-pull, and had Christopher Robin tack it back on. But Pooh isn’t finished with tails yet, because when he and Christopher Robin go on their Expotition to the North Pole, Eeyore loses all feeling in his tail:

Eeyore took his tail out of the water, and swished it from side to side. “As I expected,” he said. “Lost all feeling. Numbed it. That’s what it’s done. Numbed it. Well, as long as nobody minds, I suppose it’s all right.”
“Poor old Eeyore! I’ll dry it for you,” said Christopher Robin, and he took out his handkerchief and rubbed it up.
“Thank you, Christopher Robin. You’re the only one who seems to understand about tails. They don’t think–that’s what’s the matter with some of these others. They’ve no imagination. A tail isn’t a tail to them, it’s just a Little Bit Extra at the back.”
“Never mind, Eeyore,” said Christopher Robin, rubbing his hardest. “Is that better?”
“It’s feeling more like a tail perhaps. It Belongs again, if you know what I mean.”

Hmmm. It wasn’t my tail that I numbed with my drinking – it was my feelings. I didn’t seem to belong anywhere, but when I finally arrived in the rooms of AA, I felt that these were the only people who understood me. I belonged again, if you know what I mean.

When Piglet was in trouble and surrounded by water, Christopher Robin had a hard time believing the Wisdom he was hearing from this friend the Bear:

And then this Bear, Pooh Bear, Winnie-the-Pooh, F.O.P. (Friend of Piglet’s), R.C. (Rabbit’s Companion), P.D. (Pole Discoverer), E.C. and T.F. (Eeyore’s Comforter and Tail-finder)–in fact, Pooh himself–said something so clever that Christopher Robin could only look at him with mouth open and eyes staring, wondering if this was really the Bear of Very Little Brain whom he had know and loved so long.
“We might go in your umbrella,” said Pooh. “?”
“We might go in your umbrella,” said Pooh? “??”
“We might go in your umbrella,” said Pooh. “!!!!!!”
For suddenly Christopher Robin saw that they might. He opened his umbrella and put it point downwards in the water. It floated but wobbled. Pooh got in. He was just beginning to say that it was all right now, when he found that it wasn’t, so after a short drink, which he didn’t really want, he waded back to Christopher Robin. Then they both got in together, and it wobbled no longer.
“I shall call this boat The Brain of Pooh,” said Christopher Robin, and The Brain of Pooh set sail forthwith in a south-westerly direction, revolving gracefully.

See, Pooh knew that it was a “WE” program all along, just like the program of AA. I had short drinks, which I didn’t really want, just like Pooh, but when I got into the program together with other alcoholics, I wobbled no longer, and set sail for a better life. (I’m still wondering if this passage is where the term “S**T-for-Brains” comes from…)

In the poem Ulysses, by Alfred, Lord Tennyson, comes the end of my tale for this eve:

 … Come, my friends,
     ’Tis not too late to seek a newer world.
     Push off, and sitting well in order smite
     The sounding furrows; for my purpose holds
     To sail beyond the sunset, and the baths
     Of all the western stars, until I die.
     It may be that the gulfs will wash us down:
     It may be we shall touch the Happy Isles,
     And see the great Achilles, whom we knew.

It’s never too late to be Recalled to Life, to seek a New World, to find our Tail again. I want to sail beyond that sunset with those whom I love, and I don’t care about the “May Be’s”. For me, for today, I’m just grateful to be sober and sailing in the right direction.

Harry